It seems that as soon as I get to making some kind of committed decision about my life, the proverbial pendulum swings suddenly and violently in the complete opposite direction, imploring me to do something, anything else.
If I take this audition, and I get it, will it uproot me from my life?
If I take this job, and I get it, will I ever be able to audition again?
Would I rather be in New York, living a stable life in my favorite place in the world...
Or pursuing something I'm not sure I love anymore, touring in places I don't love, for fear of having otherwise 'given up'?
It seems that I have a paralyzing fear of moving forward.
It seems that I am just as terrified of finding happiness as I am of the complete opposite.
And for lack of any emotional direction, and any logical understanding, I have to force myself unwillingly to commit. To something. Whatever it is. The next thing.
For the past year I have completely abandoned my belief in fate and put my entire life into my own hands. I need to allow myself to believe in destiny, just a little bit. I don't think my life is entirely out of my control, but I can't bear the thought that everything lies in my hands. Can anyone?
I want so badly to do something relevant, without having to compromise who I am.
This has incontrovertibly been the most difficult year of my life to date.
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